Archive for June, 2016

Dear Evan: How Not to Rape

June 7th, 2016

Dear Evan –

I’m sad to say there’s another college boy in the news for raping one of his classmates, a young woman whose life is now shattered before it ever really got started.

In this case, the boy’s father wrote an insulting letter to the judge moaning about how his boy won’t be able to eat steak for a while (really). Again, the young woman’s life is shattered. She will deal with emotional issues, trust issues, sex issues, depression… but the boy, who got a light sentence, won’t be able to enjoy steak for a while.

Here’s what I’d like: I’d like to not ever have to consider writing such a letter. I love you with all of my heart, but if you so carelessly destroy another person’s life, I can’t support you.

So here are some words of wisdom to keep us away from that place.

1. Don’t rape anyone.
2. Seriously, don’t rape anyone.
3. Don’t get blackout drunk. You can’t control your actions when you’re blackout drunk. You can’t dispute what anyone says you might have done while you were blackout drunk. Have a couple of drinks. Get mellow. Get buzzed. But stop short of being unable to control or account for your actions.
4. Make a plan. Even short of blackout drunk, it’s possible to be unable to give consent. Figure it out with your partner: Discuss, honestly, both in general and before taking your first drink of the night, whether it’s okay to have sex after a few. And then stick to it.
5. If it’s someone new? Then just don’t. Stay in control. Flirt. Be cute. And then end the night alone, and call that person the next day to see whether you can meet at a time when alcohol isn’t involved.

Be smart, kiddo. That may mean having a few drinks less than your friends. It may mean that gorgeous girl makes a pass at you while drunk, and you have to wait until a better time. But better you suck it up and be responsible for a night than ruin someone else’s entire future.

I love you. I love you with all of my heart. I want other people to love you, to think the best of you, to feel safe and cared for around you.

I love you,